Do We Need to Consider Inclusivity When It Comes to Partnerships?
With inclusivity as our ongoing theme this month, I’ve been reflecting on what it really means, not just in workplaces, communities, or society at large, but in our closest relationships too. Especially long-term partnerships: marriages, co-parenting, the shared lives we build behind closed doors.
At its heart, inclusivity in relationships is about emotional equity, whether both partners feel equally heard, supported, and seen. And yet, certain recurring tensions can quietly erode that sense of balance. So what might hinder that inclusivity? Money conflicts for one. These often arise when members feel deprived of spending power or unequal access to funds, affecting their sense of value and decision-making influence. Disagreements also occur due to overspending, blame, or hostility related to financial decisions.¹ Other common friction points include differing approaches to parenting (in particular during adolescence) and then the ongoing negotiation of domestic roles and responsibilities, and balancing career ambitions and home life. Regardless of the conflict motivator, experts agree that dysfunctional communication marked by criticism, defensiveness, or withdrawal—is often what drives disconnection.²
Rarely do we ask what inclusivity looks like at home. Yet some of the most quietly pressing questions arise not in public, but in the everyday routines of personal life. Especially when children are involved and the demands of daily life stretch us in all directions, the never-ending to-do lists, broken sleep, and juggling countless tasks. Even when both partners try their best, it’s easy to start missing each other emotionally.
In a relationship, is there truly space for both partners’ needs, dreams, stresses, and identities to coexist fully? Or does one person’s reality shrink to make room for the other’s? What happens when both feel unseen, not ignored, but transformed by their shifting identities? When we become “mum” or “dad,” “husband” or “wife,” do we lose sight of who we are beyond those roles?
It’s more common than we admit, especially in intense phases of life, for each partner to feel like they’re carrying the lion’s share. One might run the home, manage the school run, and coordinate meals and activities. The other might bear pressure at work and the financial load. Yet both feel unseen. Over time, that lack of recognition can leave even the strongest relationships feeling lonely.
Often, each gives all they have, in different ways, without realizing the other is doing the same. One comes home craving a listening ear; the other is already at capacity. The result? Both feel underappreciated. Misunderstandings build quietly. Resentment creeps in. The emotional connection begins to fade. These potential frictions can quietly lead us to start avoiding each other, getting busier, staying up later, or turning to distractions instead of conversation. The danger is real: over time, we can begin to live our lives in parallel, rather than together. We stop reaching out, and the distance only grows.
These tensions don’t always erupt dramatically. They often grow as slow, unconscious annoyances that accumulate, until one day it’s too much. Or they’re silently borne, eating away at the soul day by day. Try catching yourself the next time you roll your eyes or mutter under your breath, you might be doing it more than you realize. Though seemingly small, these fragments of frustration pile up if left unspoken. So maybe it’s time we talked about this more openly. Inclusivity in a relationship isn’t just about dividing chores. It’s about whether both partners feel emotionally supported and valued, whether each can say, “I’m struggling,” without sparking a contest over who’s had it harder.
While we do our best to support our partners, many of us carry quieter personal expectations for ourselves, the creeping sense that time is limited, that our bodies and energy are changing. Yet we expect to perform as before, at home, at work, in life, without missing a beat. But we’re not the same as ten years ago, and that’s not failure, just part of living. Perhaps inclusivity also means being gentle with ourselves, letting goalposts shift, accepting changing ambitions. Maybe one partner wants to reclaim a paused career or travel more, while the other seeks balance, a slower pace, or more breathing room. These differing desires can complicate connection, especially when long-standing routines change or roles reverse. Kosta Michalopoulos, founder of The Men Spirit, suggests that inclusivity must begin with ourselves. “This means making space for our own changing needs, acknowledging that our priorities and capacities shift over time, and resisting the urge to judge ourselves harshly. Self-inclusion requires us to honor both our past selves and our present reality. The ambitious twenty-something and the tired parent, the career-focused individual and the person who now craves more balance. Being inclusive with our evolving identities, desires, and needs is foundational work. When we can extend compassion to our own contradictions and growth, we create the emotional space needed to do the same for our partners. This inward inclusivity becomes the bedrock for authentic connection, because how can we ask someone else to see and accept our full complexity if we haven't learned to embrace it ourselves?”
What has also complicated heterosexual relationships is the narrowing divide between the sexes. As women have gained increased independence, through improvements in education, expanded career opportunities, and the broader rise of gender equality, men are increasingly losing their traditional status as the sole providers for the family. At the same time, many women are now successfully balancing both careers and home life with financial independence. They are no longer subservient; instead, many have personal goals and dreams that extend well beyond marriage and motherhood.
What has also complicated heterosexual relationships is the narrowing divide between the sexes.
As Richard V. Reeves writes in his book Of Boys and Men,³ “the roles of father and husband have in recent times become so tightly bound together as to be virtually indistinguishable.” Societal expectations have shifted for both men and women. Reeves also notes that “the traditional family was an effective social institution because it made both men and women necessary.” But today, when roles are less rigid and more overlapping, how do couples define what makes each person feel valued, or needed? Without the traditional dynamic of breadwinner and dependent, can marriage still function in the same way? This new narrative, while empowering, also brings ramifications for relationship dynamics. With both partners increasingly pursuing individual aspirations, the potential for conflicting expectations grows. Traditional roles and responsibilities are no longer assumed or clearly defined, which can lead to tension, confusion, or even resentment as couples navigate how to divide emotional labor, domestic duties, and financial responsibilities in a more egalitarian, but less predictable landscape.
These evolving dynamics where both partners strive to meet personal ambitions, manage home life, and carry emotional weight often clash with internalised expectations shaped by traditional gender roles. Even as external roles shift, many of us still carry outdated ideas of what it means to be a “good partner.” Women may feel pressure to be both high-achieving and nurturing; men, to provide without complaint or emotional vulnerability.
So long as we can’t recognise and own our emotions, caught in ideals of “manning up,” being the perfect father, or striving to be the perfect wife, career woman, and supermum, we stay stuck. When we perform roles instead of showing up as ourselves, addressing the real dynamics in our relationships becomes impossible. Until we shed these inherited expectations, true connection and healing remain out of reach.
Instead, we need a vision of masculinity that values men equally as fathers, partners, and contributors to home life, not just to the economy.
As women’s rights continue to be crucial in shaping a more equal society, it’s equally vital that we reconsider and reinvent what it means to be a man. The outdated stereotype of men solely as breadwinners no longer serves modern families or partnerships. Instead, we need a vision of masculinity that values men equally as fathers, partners, and contributors to home life, not just to the economy. True equality within a partnership or family cannot exist without evolution on both sides.
When gentleness, either from our partners or toward ourselves fades, the weight becomes harder to bear. What starts as tiredness turns into disconnection. Vulnerability becomes tension. Kosta suggests that emotional tension arises when we no longer feel safe. “When we don't feel safe to be vulnerable or express our true needs, emotional tension builds in the relationship itself. This tension manifests as walking on eggshells, withholding our authentic selves, or bracing for conflict rather than connection. We learn to navigate around sensitive topics or suppress parts of who we are to avoid disruption. But this emotional tension creates distance which is the very opposite of intimacy. When safety is restored through gentleness and genuine acceptance, that relational tension dissolves, allowing both partners to show up fully without fear.”
Maybe inclusivity means building an emotional culture at home where it’s okay to say, “I need a break.” Where both voices matter, even the quiet ones. Where no effort is invisible just because it’s routine. Where we don’t have to be strong every day. Everyone’s expectations evolve; we need to check in on what we want and adjust. Knowing our own and our partner’s values helps us communicate better and support each other more fully.
Sometimes, living together feels like living separate lives. Without realizing it, we stop truly seeing each other. We forget to check in, assuming the other “knows.” But instead of letting missed moments harden into silence, we can create small, deliberate spaces to reconnect. In his article The Science of Communication: What Builds Connection and What Breaks It,⁴ relationship scientist Dr. Gary Lewandoski explains that “every couple experiences conflict” and that “friction” is obvious when two independent individuals come together. He argues that arguments are a normal and even essential part of relationships, and that fear of conflict is what causes real issues. These moments, if navigated well, can become opportunities to understand and reconnect. As he says, “better communication leads to better connection, which makes conversations less intimidating.” While not all conversations are comfortable, working through annoyances supports our wellbeing and can motivate positive change.⁵ Direct opposition, with disputes, even angry ones, might in fact be essential in a relationship.⁶ However, defensiveness, stubbornness, and especially emotional withdrawal tend to be unhelpful and counterproductive.⁷
So where do we go from here? We need to communicate, but how, especially when emotions might be rife having been suppressed for longer than was potentially healthy?
A simple weekly check-in, “How do you think we’re doing? Where do you feel unseen?” can work wonders. We might find we’re not as far apart as we feared, or that a small change, a bit more listening, or a shared “we’re in this together” is all that’s needed.
A simple weekly check-in, “How do you think we’re doing? Where do you feel unseen?” can work wonders.
Talking doesn’t need to mean blame. It can be teamwork: looking at task division, ensuring comfort with the balance, involving children more, asking extended family for help, or simply becoming more visible to each other. And let’s not forget: our children are watching. They learn what love looks like from how we speak, listen, and share the load. If they see silence, stress, or passive aggression, they absorb that. But if they see effort, listening, apologizing, and showing up, they carry that example forward. Many couples lose sight of each other after becoming parents, the spark dims under schedules and exhaustion. But the connection can be rebuilt. Sometimes it starts with the smallest question: “What’s one thing you wish I understood about you right now?” Yes, there will be hard times. But that’s life. What matters is that we don’t let the connection drift too far. We keep showing up, even if it’s just half an hour over tea or a conversation in the car.
In the end, inclusivity in relationships means staying curious and making room for change, in each other and in ourselves, through connection that transcends stereotypical roles. It’s not about perfection. As Kosta reminds us, it’s about seeking deeper understanding with genuine interest, “by asking thoughtful questions and staying open to different perspectives.” It’s about creating space to grow and be seen, even when life is busy, even when we’re tired, especially then. Because love doesn’t vanish; sometimes it just needs a clearer signal and a softer place to land.
Kosta Michalopoulos, contributor to this article founder of The Men Spirit, is a nurse, men's coach, and Root Cause Therapist passionate about redefining masculinity. Drawing from personal experiences of loss, addiction, and healing, he now helps men reconnect with their authentic selves. Learn more at www.themenspirit.com.
References
1 Papp LM, Cummings EM, Goeke-Morey MC. For Richer, for Poorer: Money as a Topic of Marital Conflict in the Home. Fam Relat.2009 Feb;58(1):91-103. doi: 10.1111/j.1741-3729.2008.00537.x. PMID: 22162622; PMCID: PMC3230928.
2 Overall NC, McNulty JK. What Type of Communication during Conflict is Beneficial for Intimate Relationships? Curr Opin Psychol. 2017 Feb;13:1-5. doi: 10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.03.002. PMID: 28025652; PMCID: PMC5181851.
3 Reeves, Richard V.. 2024. Of Boys and Men: Why the Modern Male Is Struggling, Why It Matters, and What to Do About It. Brookings Institution Press.
4 https://psychologyofrelationships.substack.com/p/the-science-of-communication-what
5 Overall NC, McNulty JK. What Type of Communication during Conflict is Beneficial for Intimate Relationships? Curr Opin Psychol. 2017 Feb;13:1-5. doi: 10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.03.002. PMID: 28025652; PMCID: PMC5181851.
6 McNulty JK, Russell VM. When “negative” behaviors are positive: A contextual analysis of the long-term effects of interpersonal communication. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 2010;98:587–604. doi: 10.1037/a0017479.
7 Gottman, J. M., & Krokoff, L. J. (1989). Marital interaction and satisfaction: A longitudinal view. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 57(1), 47–52. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.57.1.47
