Gender Inclusivity: As Feminism and Masculinity Intensify, Are We Forgetting to Talk?
How do we stop seeing each other as competition or confusion or threat, but as individual human beings and how do we learn to understand the opposite sex better?
The subject of masculinity is most definitely in at the moment and it’s well overdue. While there has been steady progress when it comes to feminism, there is, of course, still so much more to be done. It’s been incredibly meaningful, for example, to sit with my 11 year old daughter watching the European Women’s Football Championships, something that was unimaginable in my own childhood. It feels like a huge step forward, and how empowering it is for our girls to see that anything is possible and that we can be strong and independent if we want. It also gives me genuine hope to see so many men cheering the women on. And yet, at the same time, it’s hard to ignore that many still resist recognising women’s sport or subtle signs that it’s not quite taken as seriously.
Meanwhile, the conversation around boys and men feels very different. There’s growing concern that boys are being left behind, socially, emotionally, and academically. We hear about some being pulled into radical or misogynistic online spaces. We know from the science that boys develop differently, and yet many schools still seem poorly equipped to support those needs. Suggestions like a delayed school start for boys aren’t new, but they’ve yet to be widely embraced. All of this is important. But I think it points to something even deeper: a growing disconnect. Between girls and boys, men and women. And perhaps the way forward isn’t to talk about one without the other, but to bring them together. To keep the conversations open, not separate. And this is what I set out to consider more. How do we stop seeing each other as competition or confusion or threat, but as individual human beings and how do we learn to understand the opposite sex better?
Parenting in a Gendered World
As a wife and a mother of two boys and one daughter, this subject has been firmly on my radar. More than anything, I want all my children to be treated as equals by society and to grow up with compassion, understanding, and the tools to build healthy relationships with the opposite sex. To my astonishment (and perhaps, you might say, ignorance), it’s only in recent years that I’ve truly begun to consider feminism and the depth of the disadvantages women have historically faced. I have to admit, I definitely feel a strong sense of injustice and a desire for women to be regarded as equally, if not more, capable than men, but even saying that feels like letting the genie out of the bottle. It means that, from the very start of any conversation about gender, I’m aware of my own biases. As I’ve opened up more discussions about gender with my husband and increasingly with my older son, it’s become clear that while feminist progress is vital, it also raises important questions about what we expect from men, and how these shifting roles influence how we relate to one another. How do we honour the strengths in both sexes while making space for change? How do we move forward, together?
Do I harbour resentment against men for the injustices of the past?
Rethinking Gender Language and Home Life
To get more clarity on the subject I’ve been reading quite a bit, books like Of Boys and Men by Richard V. Reeves, Every Man by Dr Jackson Katz, and The New Age of Sexism by Laura Bates, among others. And reading these has started to shift something in me. I have started to think more deeply about the language used about and around gender. About how quickly we label people as victims or perpetrators without always looking at the systems underneath. About the unconscious signals I might be sending my children, what I praise, what I discourage, the roles I (and my husband) model at home. It’s also made me reflect on how gender plays out in my own relationship, and how I feel as a woman and the mother of a daughter living in a (man’s) world. That little aside says a lot, doesn’t it? Because although the world is shifting, there are still so many spaces, expectations and structures that were built by and for men. So I’ve been asking myself, what do I really think about men? What assumptions do I carry? Do I harbour resentment against men for the injustices of the past? And how do those beliefs show up in how I parent, how I partner, how I move through the world? And it’s made me wonder how all of this plays out later. How the stories we’re given as children shape the way we relate to each other as adults. How easily misunderstanding grows when neither side was ever really taught to listen. How gendered expectations build into walls that keep men and women from fully seeing or understanding each other.
We’re often speaking past each other, not with each other.
Are Our Closest Relationships Inclusive?
This leads on to inclusivity in relationships and the quiet, often unspoken ways that gender misunderstandings can wedge themselves between us. For all the progress we've made around equality, it’s clear that we are still not meeting halfway. Yes, men and women are biologically different and that’s not something to shy away from. In fact, it should be something we celebrate. The trouble comes when those differences are mocked, diminished, or drive us apart. Why does it so often feel like we’re speaking at each other instead of with each other? The volume has gone up on both feminism and masculinity and yet the voices calling for true understanding and mutual respect seem quieter than ever. When did equality become a battle line rather than a bridge? How do we shift from defensiveness to dialogue? From having to proving our point to truly listening? From careers to sport, from body image to emotional expression, gender seems to be at the centre of so many conversations and yet we’re often speaking past each other, not with each other.
Through everyday interactions shaped by our own beliefs and expectations of what it means to be male or female we often unconsciously steer children in certain directions.
Gender as a Social Construct
The World Health Organisation defines gender as follows:
“Gender refers to the characteristics of women, men, girls and boys that are socially constructed. This includes norms, behaviours and roles associated with being a woman, man, girl or boy, as well as relationships with each other. As a social construct, gender varies from society to society and can change over time.”¹
So when does the gender assigned to us at birth truly start to matter? The psychologist Sandra Bem² proposed that children’s concept of gender is formed through their environment and that “each child is taught a particular gender script that reifies their sex (turning biological difference into a set of rigid expectations about who they should be).”³ From the very beginning, adults begin to imprint babies with a gendered identity. Through everyday interactions shaped by our own beliefs and expectations of what it means to be male or female we often unconsciously steer children in certain directions. Society plays a huge role in this. Take just a few examples: the clear divide in clothing for girls and boys, the gendered aisles in toy shops, and the endless stories of helpless princesses and brave knights on TV and in fairy tales. Babies and young children pick up on these sociocultural cues from hairstyles and makeup to jewellery, shoes, and handbags. They start to model what they see and may begin to guess which behaviours are “expected” for each gender. If a child regularly sees their mother cooking, they might start to associate cooking with being a female role. These early observations help form what psychologists call those sex-typing associations, which in turn shape children’s gender identity and can lead to the development of stereotypes and biases. Schools and educators also reinforce these ideas, often unintentionally. For instance, the fact that most kindergarten and primary school teachers are women may further embed certain gendered expectations. Understanding how early and deeply these influences take hold is key to creating more inclusive, open-minded spaces for children as they grow.
Childhood Gender Dynamics and Socialization
No doubt from an evolutionary point of view, we do get drawn to our own sex through biological commonalities and, of course, through social construct. But when kids are young, they tend to be much more open to interacting and playing with the opposite sex. The games they choose are often gender-neutral: tag, hide and seek, four square, imaginary games, and so on. Speaking to my 11-year-old daughter, she tells me that gradually, during primary school, it becomes “strange to hang out with boys.” The choice of activity at break time often begins to shift. While it’s not true for everyone, a pattern tends to emerge: more boys gravitate toward football and rough-and-tumble play, while many girls lean into activities like gymnastics, skipping, dance routines, or imaginative role play. There’s a noticeable move, encouraged by peer dynamics and subtle adult cues, towards boys expressing themselves through physicality and girls through creativity and narrative. My daughter says at her school boys start to drop out of acting and singing, and then make fun of the girls for doing it. She tells me, “The boys have to be tough to be accepted, even the boys who aren’t really into it, who you know are actually really nice boys. When they’re out of the group, they can be their real nice selves.” This need to conform is understandable. This is an age where kids start to increasingly seek validation from peers and feel the gravity of peer pressure. They want to fit in, to belong, and to conform. And in our society, that’s often meant identifying strongly with a gender group. It’s subtle, but it creeps in. Girls drift toward girls, boys toward boys. It just sort of happens.
But when kids are young, they tend to be much more open to interacting and playing with the opposite sex. The games they choose are often gender-neutral: tag, hide and seek, four square, imaginary games, and so on.
Dance as a Bridge Between Genders
My first two children were fortunate to attend a primary school with a strong emphasis on dance. Every child had to take part, including ballroom dancing. The idea of using something like dance, something that boys and girls might not typically do together as a way to bring them back into shared space was, honestly, brilliant. It became a bonding experience. Not competitive, not about showing off, but just about dancing in a light-hearted manner. My daughter said it really worked: ‘It brought boys and girls back together again. Dancing in pairs, laughing, just having fun.’ There’s something powerful in that, in using an activity that gently disrupts the usual patterns and opens up space for new dynamics. Because at the end of the day, kids want to feel connected, to be part of something, to simply be themselves. An activity like dance can become the perfect ‘excuse,’ a way for boys and girls to interact more freely, to share something light-hearted, and to see each other differently.
The idea of using something like dance, something that boys and girls might not typically do together as a way to bring them back into shared space was, honestly, brilliant.
Adolescence and Shifting Gender Realities
It’s during the final years of primary school or the start of middle school when adolescence truly begins, making gender differences feel very real. Kids become more self-conscious about their bodies, and that’s when things shift. The banter begins. The way teenagers move, behave, and carry themselves in public changes. The pressure to become body-aware starts early, often more intensely for girls, but boys are impacted too. They start paying close attention to how they dress, aware that their appearance now holds some kind of social currency. For many, this awareness can lead to avoiding physical education altogether, worried about revealing too much or feeling awkward in poorly fitted uniforms that don’t suit their changing bodies. Girls, in particular, begin to feel the need to be cautious about modesty, about vulnerability, about walking alone after dark. Menstruation starts, and with it comes a lifelong shift, another responsibility, burden, or marker, depending on how you look at it. It shapes identity and routine in profound ways.
Boys face their own upheaval, sexual development, voice changes, growing social expectations. It’s around here that you might say the genders begin to sail in different directions.They’re navigating different waters and unless they’re guided to understand what the other is going through, it becomes harder to relate, harder to empathise, and far easier to drift apart. Would we not do well, then, to address the stereotypes around gender throughout schooling? To keep the lines of communication open between boys and girls, to talk openly about the issues that arise for all not separating these into ‘girls’ issues’ or ‘boys’ issues,’ or allocating them to one gender alone. The jury is out on whether single sex schools merely amplify differences. In any case, when certain subjects become taboo or off-limits, we lose the opportunity to foster mutual understanding and that’s where distance begins to grow. Take sex education, for example. How should it be approached? Should it always be taught in mixed groups, or is there value in also creating space for single-gender discussions? How do we open up these conversations so that girls and boys don’t feel embarrassed learning about these topics together? Or is that discomfort simply part of the process? I know that my 11-year-old daughter feels deeply embarrassed during mixed-group sex ed classes and to me, that signals we’re not starting early enough, or not creating a safe enough space. Why is it that we’re so embarrassed by our differences?
Take sex education, for example…
How do we open up these conversations so that girls and boys don’t feel embarrassed learning about these topics together?
Gendered Socialisation and Emotional Expression
Another key area is how different genders socialise amongst themselves. Women and girls often gather and chat about all sorts of things, while boys tend to stick to lighter topics amongst themselves and may not feel able to confide in friends about anything too deep or emotional. The old stereotypes still hang around: being strong, being tough, not showing emotion (“stop crying like a girl” and “man up”). Boys, in many cases, have learned to keep their feelings to themselves. But if they’re not expressing them, how can girls or anyone, really begin to understand what’s going on inside? And so, without even trying, the lines start to be drawn.
We need to expand our definition of masculine virtues beyond physical toughness and dominance to include emotional intelligence, empathy, and the ability to build meaningful connections.
Kosta Michalopoulos, founder of The Men Spirit, shares his view;
"Supporting boys and men in developing healthy masculinity requires a fundamental shift from viewing emotional expression as weakness to recognizing it as strength. This means creating environments where vulnerability is modeled by male role models – fathers, teachers, coaches, and mentors who demonstrate that real strength includes the courage to feel deeply, admit mistakes, and seek help when needed. We need to expand our definition of masculine virtues beyond physical toughness and dominance to include emotional intelligence, empathy, and the ability to build meaningful connections. This isn't about eliminating traditional masculine qualities, but rather integrating them with emotional resilience and relational skills.
The path forward involves practical changes at every level, from how we respond to boys' tears (with comfort rather than dismissal), to the stories we tell about heroism (including emotional courage alongside physical bravery), to creating male-positive spaces where deeper conversations can happen safely. Schools, sports teams, and community programs can play crucial roles by explicitly teaching emotional vocabulary and regulation skills, while celebrating examples of men who lead with both strength and sensitivity. Most importantly, this transformation benefits everyone – when men are emotionally healthy and connected, they become better partners, fathers, friends, and leaders, creating a ripple effect that strengthens entire communities."
Towards a Kinder, More Connected Future
As I mentioned at the start, I hadn’t really thought much about gender equality in my own life until recently. I didn’t sit down and truly consider how women were disadvantaged in the Western world, it just felt like part of life. I was raised as an only child by my mother, while my father was largely absent. The strongest male presence during my early years was my grandfather, a strict, traditional figure who was the breadwinner and the unquestioned authority and disciplinarian in the household. It was my grandfather who punished me when I did something wrong, not my mother, and I guess this made me both more respectful of, and somewhat fearful toward, male figures.
At school, I can barely recall any male teachers. The only other regular male figures I encountered were priests. I had a great education and never assumed I’d leave school just to get married and become a housewife like my mother’s generation, but I wasn’t exactly pushing back against all the old ideas either (cringe…). I’m still not entirely adverse to a bit of chivalry, which raises an interesting question: if we want true gender equality, is there still room for chivalry? I grew up with classic princess fairy tales, stories I read or had read to me, and yes, I too dreamed of that magical fairy tale wedding one day. But is that really what I want for my daughter? Do we really need to lose all those romantic gestures and kindness or can we project them in new, more equal ways? I love being a woman and want my daughter to celebrate her feminism if she chooses. Dressing up, wearing high heels and makeup, these can be joyful forms of self-expression. So do we really have to let go of the fairy tale entirely? I don’t think so.
if we want true gender equality, is there still room for chivalry?
What we need is to uplift the differences between men and women without letting those differences become cages or rigid expectations. It’s about embracing the beauty of our diversity while giving everyone the freedom to define what being a man or a woman means for themselves. This might mean celebrating romantic gestures and kindness in ways that feel genuine and equal, not stuck in outdated scripts. For my daughter, I want her to enjoy everything she loves , whether that’s dressing up or embracing feminism with pride and confidence or both! Because at its core, feminism isn’t about erasing femininity or masculinity. It’s about creating a world where everyone can be who they truly are, without fear or judgment.
At the same time, I know that boys face their own unique pressures. While my daughter might be navigating expectations around appearance and femininity, my sons are growing up in a world with mixed messages, outdated stereotypes about what it means to be a man (being strong, unemotional, dominant, successful), and more modern expectations of emotional openness and sensitivity. (And yes, suddenly I’m saying things like “feminine side,” where did that creep in from?) And of course, not every child will grow up feeling that the label of “boy” or “girl” fully fits them, we want to hold space for that too. Some young people may go on to question or redefine what gender means for them, and I hope we’re building a world where that’s possible without fear or shame.
Kosta explains that it is essential to recognise the toll that the current gender narrative is having on boys:
“The statistics are sobering: young men are experiencing rising rates of depression, anxiety, and suicide, often struggling in silence because they've been taught that vulnerability isn't masculine. Many boys are growing up feeling genuinely confused about their place in the world as they hear that traditional masculinity is "toxic," yet they're still expected to be strong providers and protectors. Some feel blamed for historical inequalities they had no part in creating, which can lead to defensiveness rather than the open dialogue we desperately need. The suppression of emotions that begins so early doesn't just make it harder for boys to connect with girls; it makes it harder for them to form meaningful relationships with anyone, including other men. They're navigating a world where the old scripts no longer work, but new, healthier models of masculinity are still being written.
This isn't about competing with women's struggles or diminishing the importance of feminist progress. It's about recognizing that when half our population is struggling with identity, belonging, and mental health, we all suffer. Creating space to truly understand and address these challenges isn't just compassionate; it's essential for building the kind of mutual understanding between genders that will benefit everyone.”
Boys and men can’t just snap out of old ideals and become fully redefined versions of themselves overnight. This shift needs time, attention, and care from all of us. The solution isn’t about prioritising one gender’s struggles over another’s, but about walking this road together with mutual respect and empathy. Don’t we all want a future where our children, regardless of gender, grow up with freedom, confidence, kindness, and mutual respect and without a resentment towards the opposite sex? Surely we can be putting our energy into so many better things!
The solution isn’t about prioritising one gender’s needs over another’s, it’s about moving forward together. Both women and men have something vital to say, and we need to create space to truly hear each other. Let’s make it our goal to honour those perspectives and grow from them, ushering in what could be a new era of gender acceptance.
Kosta Michalopoulos, contributor to this article founder of The Men Spirit, is a nurse, men's coach, and Root Cause Therapist passionate about redefining masculinity. Drawing from personal experiences of loss, addiction, and healing, he now helps men reconnect with their authentic selves. Learn more at www.themenspirit.com.
References
1 https://www.who.int/health-topics/gender#tab=tab_1
2 Bem, S.L., 1981. Gender schema theory: A cognitive account of sex typing. Psychological Review, 88(4), pp.354–364. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-295X.88.4.354
3 Wingrave, M. (2016). Perceptions of gender in early years. Gender and Education, 30(5), 1–20. https://doi.org/10.1080/09540253.2016.1258457
images courtesy of Freepix.
